Breaking news from the campus of St. Joseph’s Catholic High School- the infamous Birkenstock has been spotted recently wandering the halls, classrooms, cafeteria, student lounge, and outdoor property of SJHS.
The Birkenstock is a sandal native to North America which has been known to brave the harsh Canadian winters but significantly increase in summer months. However, this year researchers have noticed its usual spring population spike nearly triple.
Many have wondered why the Birkenstocks behave this way, as in its regular habitat of retirement homes, it appears to be docile. SJHS student Brenna Cone has conducted thorough research into the infamous sandal and its invasive characteristics.
“Just like many other sandal specimens, the Birkenstock tends to display certain attributes of an invasive species during spring and summer,” she revealed in an interview. “We see less and less running shoes and boots, as their place in the school ecosystem is gradually being stolen with open-toed shoes. This particular year has created an incredible environment for open-toed footwear. The Birkenstocks have been quick to take advantage of this climate, and began reproducing, as heat provides essential breeding conditions for sandals such as these. These shoes find strength in numbers, and used the warm weather to accomplish this”
Upon further investigation, scientists have discovered that the invasive effects that Birkenstocks have on other footwear is much more hostile than upon first glance. Boots and running shoes and even some fellow open-toed shoes that once roamed the halls with pride have retreated to hiding in lockers, and some have even migrated to other habitats in order to maintain their families and keep their young safe. Birkenstocks have not been observed as being hostile directly to other footwear, yet their territorial instincts prove to be disastrous to the overall quality of life and abundance of other shoe species.
“The Birkenstock population has grown immensely over the past few months, yet we do have one last line of defense against their tyranny: socks.” mentioned Cone about possible population reduction. “They are an essential part of the school ecosystem, protecting other animals from harm’s way. It’s versatility has allowed it to be able to shield almost any of the fauna. However, the sock has the near opposite effect in open toed shoes. The receiver is rejected from the rest of the pack, being labelled as what we would call a scrub, or an outcast. The shoe then flees to a separate location, to avoid such taunting. If we can equip some of the Birkenstocks with socks, their numbers may decrease, and then disperse throughout the school.”
Although research has been and continues to be conducted, there are still many questions floating among the St. Joe’s population in terms of this infestation; will there be an end to this monstrosity? Is this the apocalypse we’ve all been anticipating? Jag Media will be keeping you updated on all developments in this intriguing case.